It's Like The Night Is Taking Sides // Twelve

After downing half of the bottle of whiskey, I finally felt the alcohol start to hit me, and I knew Taylor could feel it too. As we lay sprawled out on the floor of my bedroom, I felt Taylor's arm sneak around my waist, making me giggle. 

"Please tell my why you're pushing me away," Taylor slurred, kissing my stomach.

"Mickey." was all I said as tears welled up in my eyes. 

"He was my best friend," Taylor said rubbing his face, "I spent everyday with him, you don't think I feel bad? You don't think I miss him?"

"That's not what I said..." I trailed off and stared blankly at Taylor. 

"I miss him so much. Everyday." Taylor closed his eyes and sighed. "But I know that wherever he is right now, he wants us to be happy. He's our best friend, he wouldn't want us to be miserable all the time." 

"Taylor... he was my boyfriend." I said clenching his arm, "He meant the world to me."

"Dammit Jasey! He meant so much to me too, but you know what? You mean everything to me now. And if I have to fight for you everyday, I will." Taylor announced, turning to face me and giving me a prominent stare. "Jasey Rae, I love you."

At that moment, I knew my head wasn't only spinning from the alcohol. Taylor laid there, his big blue eyes waiting for my answer. My mind couldn't decide what to say, so I merely leant over and kissed Taylor softly on the lips. My breath hitched as he kissed me back, rougher, but still so delicately. He kissed my eyes closed, and I replied quietly,

"I'm pretty fucking sure I love you too."

Maybe I'll Sleep When I am Dead || Eleven

The guilt hit me hard as I watched the Windsor skyline come into view. The past couple of days had been... too perfect, and now reality was skinking in. I had sex with my dead boyfriend's best friend. I am an awful person. I let my head sink into my hands as I let out a sigh. Taylor turned his head and looked at me quizically.

"You alright, Jasey?" he asked, grabbing for my hand, which I pulled away quickly.
"Fine." I said bluntly, as we pulled into my driveway.
"Want me to come in for a bit?" Taylor said, giving me a quick smile.
"Actually, I'm pretty tired," I said as I felt the guilt hit me harder than a 300 ton truck, "I'm just going to head to bed. I'll give you a call sometime this week."
"Um." Taylor said, rubbing his neck letting out a strained look, "Okay then. Good night."

I half smiled and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before stepping out of the car and sprinting to the door. I unlocked the front door, hands shaking, I swung it closed behind me and crashed down to the ground. I was trembling viciously as I crawled over to the liquor cabinet to pull out a bottle of whiskey that hadn't been touched in weeks.

I sat cross-legged on my living room floor, and placed the taunting bottle in front of me. I narrowed my eyes at the bottle as I took out a pen and paper and began to write.

Letter #2.


Dear Mickey,


I thought I was saved. Really. I thought that everything had settled, I had finally managed to move on. Not the case. Everytime I come back home, all I think about is you. Emotions swarm me, and it makes me sick. I feel sick with myself. I did something awful, I think. Taylor's your best  friend. He's my best friend. He's only ever been a friend to me... until recently. I hate this guilt. I know I can't ever be with Taylor without feeling like I'm somehow dissing your memory. I feel like I shouldn't be moving on. I don't want to leave you behind. I love you way too much for that. I had sex with him. Can I be any worse? I'm so sorry. I just felt like for once... maybe I could be happy. And I guess I was happy. For a few days, I was happy. But then, I got back here, and all I feel is guilt. You're dead, and I'm happy? No. That's not right. 


I love you.
-Jasey.


I folded the letter into three parts, walked over to my bedroom and slid the letter in my desk with the other one. As soon as I collapsed on my bed, I heard a knock on the front door. I stared at the door miserably, daring it to open itself. It didn't. I groaned and went over to the door, swung it open to see Taylor leaning against the door frame, a concerned expression on his face.

"Taylor..." I started, but I couldn't finish as he pressed his lips down onto mine in a heart-stopping kiss. I felt myself cave as I crumbled into his arms and wrapped my arms around his neck. Mickey Mickey Mickey Mickey. I found the will power to pull away, and I looked down at my feet.

"You're gonna tell me what's going on." Taylor said, walking into my place, picking up the bottle of whiskey in the middle of my living room, staring at it questioningly, before shrugging and taking a huge swig and passing it to me.

It was going to be a long night.

Some One Come and Save My Life // Ten

I kicked my feet up on the dashboard and turned the radio up louder. I lowered my Spitfires baseball cap and turned to look at Taylor who winked at me and pressed his foot down harder on the gas pedal. We'd spent last night huddled up in the back seat of his car, with blankets and nothing but the summer night's air.  We talked hockey, school, and his plans after Windsor all night. Mickey got brought up, but only for a moment or two. As we sped off the exit to Yonge street in downtown Toronto,  I couldn't help but think that maybe things had turned around for me, and I wondered where Taylor could be taking me next.

Taylor parallel parked the car outside of the Hockey Hall of Fame and shot me a grin.

"No way!" I squealed and hopped out of the car, "I haven't been here since I was 8 years old!" I felt my smile grow as Taylor opened the large wooden doors for me.

We spent hours at the museum, and I stared in awe at just about everything I saw. Whether it was Gretzky's puck from his first goal, or Bobby Orr's stick from That Goal. I soaked in everything like a sponge, I read every little box of information and took my time analyzing everything. Taylor grabbed my hand tightly and led me up to the Vault, where the trophy of all trophies lay. I held breath as I entered the beautiful old bank that had been transformed into the Great Hall where Lord Stanley stood on his pedestal.

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I stared at the trophy. This was everything. I walked up and touched the side of the cup with starry eyes. Taylor came up behind me and placed a quick kiss on my cheek.

"Picture?" I heard one of the HHOF workers ask.

"For sure." Taylor responded walking over to the other side of the cup. We both leaned over a placed a quick kiss on the Cup as the flash went off.

Things are looking up,  I thought.

Just How I'm Breaking Down // Nine

We drove all morning. We sped down every major highway in Western Ontario, and found ourselves lost in the middle of no mans land. We drove and talked an laughed for nearly 7 hours before finally coming to a stop on the side of an old dirt road.

"Where are we going, Hall?" I asked for hundredth time giving me a playful shove in the arm.

"We can go anywhere. We've got our passports and a tank full of gas. It's all up to you." Taylor said grining, and reclining his seat back far enough for him to lie down.

"Well why don't you surprise me then." I said raising an eyebrow.

"Honestly," Taylor took a deep breath, "There's no where I'd rather be than with you."

I stared at him dumb-founded, and before I could even begin to speak his soft lips were crashing down on mine roughly, making my heart pound. He pulled me on top of him, never once breaking the kiss, as I tangled my fingers in his hair. He slid his lips down to my neck as I struggled to catch my breath. I took one look into his big green eyes and I just knew. I knew he was everything that was right for me right now. I knew that wherever Mickey was right now, he was glad this was happening. I knew at that precice moment, that Taylor Hall was saving me. I knew he was slowly mending my shattered heart. And I knew he'd never stop trying to lift me back up. I just knew. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. I figeted with his belt as he gave me a questioning look.

"Are you sure?" he asked taking my hands and kissing them both softly.

I nodded and pressed my lips to his once more. He peeled off his shirt, and continued to do the same to mine. He flipped himself on top of me and slid off his pants. Placing soft kisses all over me. I gasped slightly as he entered me, but my pain was quickly put to rest by the touch of his lips against mine. I closed my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, I felt my mind go to ease.

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Which Would Completely Explain // Eight

I woke up the next morning by the sound of my blinds being drawn and the sunlight flooding my room and hitting me obnoxiously in the face. I sat up, yawned and rubbed my swollen, puffy eyes. I scoweled and looked at my window, only to see Taylor shuffeling around my room and turning on my radio.

"Get up, princess," Taylor said grinning coffee in one hand, a bag of chips and his car keys in the other. "Get up, get dressed, grab your passport, let's go."

"What the fuck, Tay?" I snapped, "What are you doing here?" I glanced at the clock, "And at 7 am!?"

"We're leaving. Now." Taylor said smiling and ripping the covers off of me.

"Oh and leaving where may I ask?" I said sleepily as Taylor tossed me a sweater and a pair of jeans.

"Oh, I dunno yet." Taylor smirked as I caught the jeans and smiled. Sure it was spontaneous. Hugely spontaneous. But he meant well, right?

I stripped down to my underwear and changed right in front of him, not bothering to go to the washroom.

I smirked as I saw him stare out of the corner of my eye. I grabbed my passport off of my desk and took his hand that he had extended towards me. He led me out my door and down to the driveway before opening the door to a red Mustang.

"Ready?" he asked me as he sat in the drivers seat and started the car.

"I guess so." I said with a faint smile on my face as he sped down the road, with no sense of direction or time.

Maybe this was just what I needed, I thought to myself as I watched Windsor slowly disappear behind me.

Maybe he's just what I need.

I'll Never Find the Words to Say || Seven

[Taylor's P.O.V]

As soon as I saw Jasey freeze when she looked into the dressing room, I knew she was going to have a hard time going out and delivering her speech. When she turned and gave me a sorry look, her cheeks glimmering from her tears, I felt my heart drop. If I was going through a hard time without Mouse, I can't even begin to understand how much she's going through. I watched as she ran out of the doors of the arena, and sighed deeply.

I felt an arm on my back, giving me a few symphathetic taps, and I turned around and saw my teammate Ryan Ellis.

"They want us out on the ice now, Hallsy," he said patting my back again.
"Okay, I'll be right out." I said as I continued to stare at the spot where Jasey had stood only moments ago.
"She'll be alright, she just needs time to process, just like everyone else." Ryan said staring at the same spot as me.

I headed into the dressing room to fetch my helmet and found myself sitting in my stall, staring at the spot next to mine where Mickey should be sitting. I kept staring. Maybe if I stared long enough, Mickey would reappear and everything would go back to the way it was. When I was Mickey's bestfriend, and I wasn't falling for his girlfriend. I stared and stared, and after a few minutes, when nothing appeared, I stood up, took a deep breath, and made my way to the ice. I'd have to deal with reality for now. And reality was that Mouse was dead, Jasey was suicidal, and I was falling in love with her, despite it all.

It was time for me to step up, and play hero. I wasn't going to let Jasey hurt for any longer, this had been going on for too long, it was time for her pain to stop. I'm going to make sure that it stops. I'm going to fix her up. I'm going to let her breathe again. I'm going to rescue her.

Some Times Living With The Uncertainties || Six

The next morning was a blur. Somehow I had managed to get dressed quickly and get down to the arena, it was the Spits first game back without Mickey, and they were putting on a tribute to him. Taylor met me by the back door of the arena, and took my arm. I tightened my grip around his arm as I took a quick look into the dressing room, looking around for Mickey sitting in his stall with his iPod plugged in, looking furiously through the list of songs, but all I saw was his stall, with all of his equipment lined up, and a lantern put in the space where he should be sitting. My breath got hitched up in my throat, and tears started to well up in my eyes. This was my first time coming back here since I had gotten the news that he has passed away, and it was unbearably painful. I rubbed my temples, and turned away from the dressing room as a few cold tears fell down my cheeks. In 15 minutes, I was supposed to be on the ice, giving a speech about Mickey, before watching his #18 banner get hung up in the arena. I took more deep breaths and tried to control myself. I had to be stronger than this, I felt so weak sometimes. I kept trying to pull myself together, and keep my tears under control, but it was too hard. Being back at the arena was too hard. I wanted to be there for the team, none of this had been easy for them either, but as a few tears rolled down my face, I grabbed my stuff, shot a sorry disappointed look at Taylor, and left the building.



I drove home silently, not bothering to turn on the radio or call the organization to let them know I wasn't able to recite my speech. When I got home I threw my keys on the counter, and took a seat down at my desk. I shuffled through my drawers before I found my City and Colour CD. I popped it in my CD player and put on Mickey and I's favorite song before taking out a pen and a piece of paper.



I awoke, only to find my lungs empty

Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing

And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be

And I'm breaking down

I think I'm breaking down



And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me

Such as living with the uncertainties

That I'll never find the words to say

Which would completely explain

Just how I'm breaking down



Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead

But now its like the night is taking up sides

With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind

Could it be? This misery will suffice



I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's kill

Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill

Madness fills my heart and soul

As if the great divide could swallow me whole

Oh, how I'm breaking down



Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead

But now its like the night is taking up sides

With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind

Could it be? This misery will suffice



Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Someone come, Someone come and save my lifeCould it be? This misery will suffice





I let the music fill my ears and I felt a pang of absence on his part. I missed him so much. I missed him singing me to sleep, and driving me to work. I missed him playing the guitar around the bonfire at our cottage, and falling asleep in his arms. I missed his scent, his smile and his calming personality. I missed every little thing about him. Every little thing that I'd never get to see again.



I picked up the pen and began to write.



Letter #1

My dearest Mouse,





I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts not having you around every day to brighten me up and make me smile. Every where I go, every thing I see reminds me of you in so many ways. They honored you tonight, and retired your jersey. I knew you were there watching, I just couldn't bring myself to stay. I know I'm not the only one who misses you like this. I can tell Taylor's going through just as much as I am right now, and I feel bad not being there for him. He's always there for me, always around to help me out like you were. He reminds me more and more of you every day... I don't know exactly how I feel about that. I guess I'm just scared. I feel like if I get into anything with him, it's like a diss to your memory. I love you, and I will always love you dead or alive. Because, when you love someone, distance doesn't matter. And I know you're up in heaven right now, and you've probably won yourself a Stanley Cup already, just like you wanted to, and you had your big debut with the Flames, you probably have a few Olympic gold medals too. I'm sure you've got everything you ever wanted. I am so proud of you. Every day doesn't get easier without you, it gets harder. Because as every day goes on, new things develop and I remember you more and more. Like I'm ever going to forget you. You are the love of my life, Mickey Renaud, and I miss you so much. I'm trying my hardest to be okay, and move on because I know that's what you want from me. Everything about my life is different without you, it's like there's an empty spot in my daily life waiting for you to come back and fill it. I dream of the day I'll see your beautiful smiling face again,

I love you to the moon and further,

-Jasey.





I set my pen down and let myself cry over the letter, before sealing it in an envelop and setting it in my purse.