Some Times Living With The Uncertainties || Six

The next morning was a blur. Somehow I had managed to get dressed quickly and get down to the arena, it was the Spits first game back without Mickey, and they were putting on a tribute to him. Taylor met me by the back door of the arena, and took my arm. I tightened my grip around his arm as I took a quick look into the dressing room, looking around for Mickey sitting in his stall with his iPod plugged in, looking furiously through the list of songs, but all I saw was his stall, with all of his equipment lined up, and a lantern put in the space where he should be sitting. My breath got hitched up in my throat, and tears started to well up in my eyes. This was my first time coming back here since I had gotten the news that he has passed away, and it was unbearably painful. I rubbed my temples, and turned away from the dressing room as a few cold tears fell down my cheeks. In 15 minutes, I was supposed to be on the ice, giving a speech about Mickey, before watching his #18 banner get hung up in the arena. I took more deep breaths and tried to control myself. I had to be stronger than this, I felt so weak sometimes. I kept trying to pull myself together, and keep my tears under control, but it was too hard. Being back at the arena was too hard. I wanted to be there for the team, none of this had been easy for them either, but as a few tears rolled down my face, I grabbed my stuff, shot a sorry disappointed look at Taylor, and left the building.



I drove home silently, not bothering to turn on the radio or call the organization to let them know I wasn't able to recite my speech. When I got home I threw my keys on the counter, and took a seat down at my desk. I shuffled through my drawers before I found my City and Colour CD. I popped it in my CD player and put on Mickey and I's favorite song before taking out a pen and a piece of paper.



I awoke, only to find my lungs empty

Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing

And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be

And I'm breaking down

I think I'm breaking down



And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me

Such as living with the uncertainties

That I'll never find the words to say

Which would completely explain

Just how I'm breaking down



Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead

But now its like the night is taking up sides

With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind

Could it be? This misery will suffice



I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's kill

Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill

Madness fills my heart and soul

As if the great divide could swallow me whole

Oh, how I'm breaking down



Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead

But now its like the night is taking up sides

With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind

Could it be? This misery will suffice



Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Someone come, Someone come and save my lifeCould it be? This misery will suffice





I let the music fill my ears and I felt a pang of absence on his part. I missed him so much. I missed him singing me to sleep, and driving me to work. I missed him playing the guitar around the bonfire at our cottage, and falling asleep in his arms. I missed his scent, his smile and his calming personality. I missed every little thing about him. Every little thing that I'd never get to see again.



I picked up the pen and began to write.



Letter #1

My dearest Mouse,





I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts not having you around every day to brighten me up and make me smile. Every where I go, every thing I see reminds me of you in so many ways. They honored you tonight, and retired your jersey. I knew you were there watching, I just couldn't bring myself to stay. I know I'm not the only one who misses you like this. I can tell Taylor's going through just as much as I am right now, and I feel bad not being there for him. He's always there for me, always around to help me out like you were. He reminds me more and more of you every day... I don't know exactly how I feel about that. I guess I'm just scared. I feel like if I get into anything with him, it's like a diss to your memory. I love you, and I will always love you dead or alive. Because, when you love someone, distance doesn't matter. And I know you're up in heaven right now, and you've probably won yourself a Stanley Cup already, just like you wanted to, and you had your big debut with the Flames, you probably have a few Olympic gold medals too. I'm sure you've got everything you ever wanted. I am so proud of you. Every day doesn't get easier without you, it gets harder. Because as every day goes on, new things develop and I remember you more and more. Like I'm ever going to forget you. You are the love of my life, Mickey Renaud, and I miss you so much. I'm trying my hardest to be okay, and move on because I know that's what you want from me. Everything about my life is different without you, it's like there's an empty spot in my daily life waiting for you to come back and fill it. I dream of the day I'll see your beautiful smiling face again,

I love you to the moon and further,

-Jasey.





I set my pen down and let myself cry over the letter, before sealing it in an envelop and setting it in my purse.