Friday, December 3, 2010

Oh, how I'm breaking down - Twenty

After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor finally came and spoke to me.

"She has long term amnesia. She doesn't remember anything dating up to about a year and a half ago, she took a serious bump to the head on that plane. She's lucky to be alive." The doctor said as he looked over his test results, "Now, her memory may clear up a bit after she's back on her feet, but I wouldn't count on it."

"Thank you, sir." I said nodding my head slightly. "Can I go see her? There's a few things I need to explain to her."

"Go ahead" the doctor said and nodded in the direction of her room.

I slid the glass door open quietly, and saw Jasey lying down with tears in her eyes, terrified.

"Taylor, thank god you're here!" She said jumping into my arms, punchering a hole in my heart. "Please, please tell me what's going on."

"You have amnesia, Rae" I say, as tears begin to fall from my eyes, "the doctor said it dates back a year and a half ago"

She looked immensly confused, and I could tell a part of her was breaking.

"Theres something really important I need to tell you Jasey." I said, grabbing her hand and holding onto it my my dear life.

She was almost too shocked to speak, but she managed to quietly utter out: "What is it?" in a voice barely above a whisper.

"About a year ago.." I paused and squeezed her hand even tighter, "Mickey.. we he.." I couldn't say it. I couldn't make her hurt all over again.

"He what Taylor?!" She said, her breath getting faster and faster as her eyes welled up with more tears. I couldn't do this to her. "Taylor!"

"He had a heart attack."

Her eyes widened and now both of us were in full on tears. She leaned her head on my shoulder as loud screams and cries escaped her delicate mouth. All I could do was cry back and rub circles on her palms. I felt completely and utterly useless, and the girl I loved was shot straight back into her depression.
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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

As if the great divide could swallow me whole - Nineteen

[Jasey's P.O.V]

I woke up to the blur of fluorescent hospital lights shining strongly onto my face, making my head throb awfully. My arm was attached to an IV and I had oxygen tubes attached to my nostril. I put my hand to my cheek and felt a giant scrape that surprised me and made me jump a little in my bed.

How the fuck did I end up here? And where was here? I tried to think back, but it was like a black hole was imprinted into my memory. All I wanted was to see Mickey, to hug him and let him know that I was okay. He must be so worried about me.

As I straightened myself up in my hospital bed, I saw Taylor run through the doors with a nurse right behind him with a hesitant and annoyed look on her face.

"Fuck," he said as he looked at me before grabbing my hand a little too affectionately, making a frown appear on my face, "Thank God you're okay."

"Taylor what happened? Where's Mickey?" I asked, completely lost and almost scared.

Shock came accross Taylor's face and he looked crestfallen. I didn't understand, I looked back and forth from him and the nurse frantically trying to piece together what couldve happened to me.

[Taylor's P.O.V]

As soon as she asked me where Mickey was it hit me like a bus. She didn't remember anything. The past year was wiped from her memory. I looked at the nurse in panic, told Jasey I would be right back, and let go of her hand, leaving her there with the most lost expression on her face.

"Have you done tests on her yet?" I asked the nurse while we were out in the hallway.

"Not yet, Mr. Hall." The nurse looked dismayed, "She seems to just have woken up from her coma, we'll start running tests as soon as possible."

"I think she may have lost her memory." I said shortly, a huge sigh escaping my lips as I felt them tremble. She can't go through all this with Mickey again. She was just starting to get back up on her feet.

"Oh dear." The nurse looked around uncomfortably, "I'll get a doctor to check her out immediately, for now please take a seat in the waiting room, we'll let you know as soon as we have the results.

Tears were starting to prominently form in my eyes as I looked back through the glass door at the love of my life looking hopeless and confused in her hospital bed, all hooked up to these machines like some sort of science experiment.

She didn't remember. She didn't remember everything I had helped her through, how happy we were for a little while, me telling her I love her. None of it. All that we fought through together. The thing that crushed me the most was she didn't remember how much I cared.

I felt my heart shattering as I turned away from the room and headed to the waiting room where I would sit and wait for hours until news finally came.
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Friday, August 20, 2010

Madness Fills my Heart and Soul - Eighteen

{Taylor's P.O.V}

As the cab pulls up to l'Hopitale Generale de les Champs, I feel my throat tighten. The long ride to the hospital was agonizing, the kinds of thoughts that were running through my mind were slowly killing me. If she was dead... I couldn't even begin to think. Jasey Rae was everything important to me right now, and if I had to give up my hockey career and the Memorial Cup to make sure she was okay, I would. In a heartbeat. I thanked the cabbie sincerely, and threw him just over 500 dollars. I didn't really have the money right now, but it didn't matter.

I basically sprinted to the Emergency Room, and by the time I was at the front desk, I was out of breath.

"Hi," I said, breathlessly.
"How can I help you today," the receptionist says, peering over her glasses.
"My name's Taylor Hall. I'm looking for Jasey Rae Carmichael? She was a part of the plane crash that happened around here earlier."
"Let me just make a call to the trauma sector, they'll let me know. One minute please." She said, nodding towards the waiting area.

I plopped myself down on one of the chairs and sat silently for what felt like hours before a doctor came.

"Taylor Hall?" They asked, standing in front of me as I got up to my feet.
"Yeah, that's me." I responded, starting to get more and more nervous. I just wanted her to be okay.
"Please follow me." the doctor said, and I followed her through two bog plastic doors marked "Trauma" and into an elevator up to the third floor.
"She's right in there." the doctor said, half smiling.

I walked in and saw Jasey, asleep, all hooked up to different IVs looking paler and weaker than ever.

I rushed to her side, and grabbed her hand so tightly that it woke her up and tears began flowing down my cheeks.

"Jasey." I said, kissing her hand and squeezing it tighter.

"Taylor..." she said weakly, still half asleep. "What happened? Where's Mickey?"

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Constantly Changing From Calm to Hell - Seventeen

{Taylor's P.O.V}

It had been almost two hours since I had landed, and Jasey was still no where to be seen. I paced back and forth through baggage claim trying to take my mind off of the thousands of awful thoughts that were swarming my mind. I'm sure the flight was just delayed or something. I tried to convince myself, sitting down on a bench and staring at my watch for the 60th time in the past three minutes.

"Hey man, bus is leaving for the hotel now, you coming with?" My teammate Kenny Ryan said, patting me on the shoulder.

"Nah, you guys go without me, tell Coach I'll take a cab, alright?" I said, getting up. "I'm gonna head over to Services and see if they have any news on Jasey's flight."

"Kay, take it easy buddy, I'm sure she's fine." Kenny says, half smiling at me then taking off.

I approach the counter, and grab the attention of a 50-something looking woman who's name tag reads Carol.

"What can I do for you sweetheart?" She says, and gives me a smile.
"Hi, I just wanted to inquire about a flight?" I say, letting out another sigh, "My girlfriends on it, and it was supposed to arrive over two hours ago, there's no information on the board."
"Would that possibly be the flight coming in from Windsor?" She suddenly looked concerned, making my heart skip a few beats.
"Yes.." I say slowly, bracing myself.
"I'm sorry, that flight had to make an emergency landing about half an hour away from Quebec City. Awful turbulence." She shook her head.
"Is anyone hurt?!" I panicked, thinking of Jasey somewhere in a hospital alone.
"The report said there had been some severe injuries, but nothing else has been released." She smiled weakly at me, slipping me a piece of paper. "Here's the address of the hospital everybody's at."
"Thank you so much," I say, my voice quivering.

I bolt from the desk and to where all the taxi's were lined up outside. I hopped into the backseat of the first one I saw, throwing my suitcase and hockey bag next to me.

"I need to go to 112 rue de les Champs. It's the General Hospital in Quebec City." I say quickly.
"Quebec City?! That's at least a two hour drive from here. I'm sorry, can't take you there." The cabbie says, shrugging.

"Look, sir, my girlfriend was just in a plane crash, and all I really need to know is that she's okay. She needs to be okay. I've already lost one person important to me this year, I rather not lose another one, so can you please just go? I triple whatever the fare is." I manage to spit out all in one breath.

"Ahh, I guess I can make an exception. For love right?" The cabbie says as he begins to pull out of the airport, and on to the highway.

For love... It was going to be a fucking long cab ride. 

Monday, July 5, 2010

Like the Sea - Sixteen

I was still shaky as we headed to the front desk to check in for our flight. As the lady ran our information through the computer, I took a minute to examine the ring. It wasn't anything too elaborate, seeing as Mickey didn't have much money yet. It was one sparkling diamond, set on top of a silver band. It was simple. It was gorgeous. Taylor squeezed my hand as the stewardess typed furiously on the computer, with  a look of frustration planted on her face.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking up at us apologetically, "There seems to have been an error in our system. Ms. Carmichael, I'm going to have to put you on a later flight."

"There's no way you can fit us both on one flight?" Taylor asked, disappointed.

"No, I'm sorry, both flights are now booked." She said as she printed off our tickets. "There's only an hour delay in between the flights, so you shouldn't be arriving in Rimouski much later than Mr. Hall."

"It's okay." I said, smiling reassuringly to Taylor.

"Will you be alright?" Taylor asked, clearly concerned.

"I'll be fine!" I laughed, "I've been on a plane before."

"Okay." Taylor said kissing the top of my head, still obviously worried. "I'll see you when you land, alright?"

"Of course." I say, standing up on my tippy-toes to give Taylor a quick kiss.

"Have a safe flight, okay?" Taylor said, kissing me again.

"Thanks," I blush, "You too."

As Taylor headed to his gate to board his plane, I found a seat at the bar and ordered a few drinks. Before I knew it, my flight was being announced, and I was told to go board the plane. I found my seat in the plane, and drifted off to sleep, only to be awaken an hour later, by intense shaking. The seat-belt sign had flashed on, and the pilot was making an announcement.

"We are going to be hitting some extreme turbulence, everybody remain calm, and stay in your seats."

I gripped tightly onto my arm rest, and felt the plane lunge forwards. My stomach was doing somersaults, and my legs were trembling. Was this it? Was this plane going to crash, and that would be the end of me? The overhead compartments were rattling, and the plane lights kept flickering on and off. I heard a droning sound, and suddenly all the plane lights were off, and the emergency lights have been turned on. I closed my eyes and prayed that I would be okay. I held on tighter to the arm rests, and let out a cry as I felt the plane drop again. The compartments were now open, and luggage was falling all over the place. I screamed as I saw something fall out of the compartment, I felt it hit my head hard, making it throb then everything went black.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I've Become a Simple Souvenir of Someone's Kill - Fifteen

After hazily hopping into the shower together, I zipped up my suitcase and waited at my door for Taylor. He emerged from the washroom, grinning at me and making my heart pound in my chest. God, he was beautiful. Every girl in Windsor would kill to be with him, and he chose me. For some inconceivable reason, he chose broken-down me.

He jestured to his back suggestively, and I hopped on and laughed, wrapping my legs around his waist. He turned his head slightly so he could see me out of the corner of his eye, and winked at me, before carrying me and my suitcase out of my place, dropping me off carefully in the front seat of his car.

"Does Coach know that I'm going to accompanying you to the Finals?" I asked as Taylor started the car, and backed out of my driveway.

"Nope." Taylor said, chuckling a bit, "He said no girlfriends on the trip, I'm gonna have to sneak you around."

"Sounds like an adventure to me," I laughed.

We parked the car in the airport parking, and wheeled our suitcases onto the main floor, to check our bags. As we were waiting in line, I thought saw a familiar face, and froze. I tensed up and stood still, feeling my breath get caught up in my throat. It couldn't be. Standing fifteen feet away from me, I thought I saw Mickey. I clasped my mouth and gasped, as I shook my head, getting Taylor's attention.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, concerned, taking my hand and facing me.

"Mickey..." was all I managed to say before running up to the man, only to see that it wasn't Mickey, it was in fact his older brother, David.

"Oh god, David." I said, sighing disappointed.
"Jasey Rae." David said, staring at me bewildered.
"Sorry, you look so much like your brother. I thought..." I trailed off, and David pulled me into a hug.

"How are you holding up?" he asked, continuing to stare at me curiously.

"Better." I said forcing a smile. It was scary how similar they looked. They had the same big blue eyes and messy blonde hair, always tucked under a hat. Their cheeks were the same slightly rosy color, and they both had the same defiant nose. It was like he was right in front of me. I reached out and touched David's face, tracing the same bone structure that Mickey had.

"You look so much like him," I repeated, beggining to tear up. Only to feel Taylor's reassuring hand on my shoulder seconds later.

"Taylor," David said, nodding at him.
"Hows it going man?" Taylor asked, shaking hand with him.
"Its been rough. Especially around the family," He said, shaking his head. "Thought I'd get out of Windsor for a bit, cheer on you guys in the finals."

"We apprecaite it, bud." Taylor said, massaging my shoulders as I began to shake. The ressemblance was terrifying.

"Jasey," David said, pulling something out of his suitcase. "Mick was going to give this to you before he died, he gave it to me to hold onto because he was afraid you'd find it." He handed me a tiny black velvet box, and I began to choke up.

"What is this?" I whispered, rubbing the box.

"Open it." David said sighing.

I flipped the box open, and inside lay a tiny diamond ring, all done up in silver. I clasped my mouth and began breathig harder, as tears fell out of my eyes.

I picked up the ring, and saw engraved on the inside the words "Save my life" and the numbers 18.07.06. The day we met, and words to his favorite song. I was shaking viciously, as Taylor pulled me towards him, and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

Mickey was going to propose. I wouldve said yes. If he hadn't died, I wouldve been engaged to him. It was too much for me, I held onto Taylor for my life, slipped the ring onto my ring finger, and cried.

I heard half of a scream escape my mouth, and then the sounds of Taylor whispering in my ear that he loved me.

"I'll always be here for you," Taylor whispered, kissing my head as the tears keep pouring.

"Ill never let you go."

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Saturday, June 26, 2010

#1 Overall

Taylor Hall.
Number one overall.
Is this real life?

I've been watching this guy play since his first year in Windsor, and I think it's incredible how much he's grown as a player. I can't believe the day has actually come where he's been drafted. Unbelievable <3

So in Taylor spirit, a friend of mine started a Taylor Hall story, and I think y'all should read/follow/comment.

Chapter 14 is on it's way soon, sorry for the long breaks in between chapters, I'm going to try and update more regularly. When I first started this story, I never thought that I'd get to 19 followers. This is crazy. So thanks for all the comments and feedback I've been getting, it really helps me get more done. The more comments, the faster I write.

Peace, <3

Could it be This Misery Will Subside - Fourteen

The Spitfires were headed to the Memorial Cup, in Rimouski, and Taylor had asked me to go with him. Naturally, I had accepted. Any reason to leave Windsor for a few days was a good one. I laid my suitcase on my bed, and tossed in a pile of clothes, searching around the room for things I might possibly need. I was furiously digging through a pile of clothes I had in my closet for Mickey's jersey, when I heard a knock on my door. I jumped up and ran to the door, smiling widely as Taylor stood there, hair all ruffled, with Mickey's jersey over his shoulder. He leant down and gave me a kiss, before throwing the jersey over my head.

"You left this at my place a few days ago." Taylor said winking, "Thought you'd might want it back."

"Thank you" I smiled and headed back to my room, peeling the jersey off of my head and folding it nicely into my suitcase.

"You ready to go?" Taylor said, walking into my room with a mug of coffee for me.

"Just about," I said, taking the mug from Taylor, "Do you see anything else I need to pack?"

Taylor wondered around my room, looking through piles of clothes scattered everywhere. He stopped, and picked something up that I couldn't see, and grinned widely.

"What is it?" I asked, hopping off my bed.

"I think you need to pack these," Taylor said, spinning around and flashing me a pair of black lace underwear, "We've got a hotel room to ourselves."

"You're such a perv, Hall." I said, snatching the underwear from him and winking. "Plus, I feel like these would be a distraction from your hockey." I said waving the underwear in his face.

"Oh, I don't mind a distraction now and then." Taylor said, stepping closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing his lips onto mine softly.

"Well," I said, pulling away from him and smiling, "I guess I'll pack them then"

I threw the underwear in my suitcase, then felt Taylor pounce on my back, wrestling me onto the bed. I laughed and tried to push him off of me, but he didn't budge. He just leaned down, and kissed me, sending an electrical current all over my body. Instinctively, I wriggled my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me, deepening the once innocent kiss. He broke away for a moment, and looked at me with his big blue eyes. One look was enough, then I peeled off his tshirt and he did the same to mine. A few more minutes passed by and our clothes had scattered all accross the room. He kissed my forehead gently, and then... bliss.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

All the Worries That Occupy the Back of my Mind // Thirteen

Hangover. Beautiful. I thought as I woke up the next morning my head pounding as if there was an African Tribal Ceremony going on in my brain. I turned myself over in my bed only to see that Taylor wasn't there. I sat up and pulled my hair into a messy bun on top of my head, and saw a glass of water and two Advils on my bedside table. Tucked under the glass of water was a note from Taylor.

Practice this morning, sorry I'm not there to help ease your hangover. Take the Advil, and I hope you feel better soon. I should be back around 11. 
ps: Chocolate cake in the fridge. Score.
pps: I found your camera, it's on the living room table. Pick it up? 
ppps: I love you.

I felt a grin appear on my face and I slid the note back onto the table, picking up the Advil and glass of water and downing the two pills and half of the water. ppps: I love you. He said he loved me. He loves me. I simply shook my head and smiled. I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed the chocolate cake out of the fridge, laughing a little at the smiley face Taylor had attempted to draw on the cake in whipped cream.

He tried so hard to make me forget about everything that has brought me down in the past couple of months, I don't know what kind of person it takes to be that kind of constant tower of support with almost no backup. I've been so involved with mourning my loss, that I've almost forgotten how hard this must be on Taylor too.

I knew that even if this romantic stint we've been going on ended for one reason or another, he'd always be my best friend. He'd always be there. He was stable. I could say anything to Taylor, and he'd always be supportive of me. As I walked towards the couch, I saw my camera laying on the table, and it made my head spin. I hadn't touched, or even looked, at my camera since Mickey died.

Mickey was the one who bought me my first camera, signed me up for my first course, and encouraged me to apply to Ryerson for the fall. Everything about my photography had to do with Mickey. I stared at my camera blankly. I didn't move. I finally took a deep breath, reached out for my camera, and held it for the first time in two months. It felt different now, for some reason, my camera felt heavier, like there was a bigger weight being carried around with it.

Attached to the shutter button was a yellow post-it note with the words Use me scribbled on in Taylor's hand writing. I hit the power button, and heard my camera begin to adjust itself to the lighting in my living room. I felt my hands tighten around the lens, as I turned it slowly to focus in on the piece of cake on the living room coffee table. My hands were trembling as I hit the shutter button, but my shakyness was quickly put to ease by the sound of my camera click. It was one of the most soothing sounds to me, and picture after picture that I took, I felt my camera get lighter, and my face start spreading into a wider smile.

By now, my hangover was mainly gone and I was scurrying around my place, snapping pictures of everything I found interesting. Taylor's discarded t-shirt from last night. My open lipstick tube in the bathroom. Mickey's jersey hanging peacefully in my closet. Finally, I headed back to the living room, snapped a few pictures of the discarded bottle of Jack Daniels on the ground.

As soon as the smell hit my nose, I felt myself get nauseous. I covered my mouth with my hand, tossed my camera on the couch, and sprinted to the washroom. My knees hit the cold tile floors, and I gripped onto the toilet seat tightly as I began throwing up bile by the bucket load. My eyes began to water up, and tears began to flow, something that always happened whenever I got sick. I heard the front door open as the bile kept coming. Then out of nowhere, Taylor was kneeling beside me, pulling my hair away from my face and rubbing my back in circles. I clenched onto his hand as I finally felt my nausea subside. I got up and wiped my mouth clean, as Taylor took the edge of his sleeve to wipe away the tears from under my eyes.

I managed to half smile as I grabbed on tightly to the boy who loved me, and pulled him into a tight hug, feeling all of his muscles tense on top of me.

And I knew he wouldn't let go.

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Monday, May 24, 2010


Can I just say one thing?


Oh and one more thing?
I started a new story, and the leading man in this one goes by the name of Jonathan Toews. Who, by the way, is winning the Stanley fucking Cup this year. Mark it down.

Check it out please? The more comments/followers I get on a story, the more productive I get. So it would mean the world to me if you read it.

Peace and lovelovelove,

Thursday, May 20, 2010

It's Like The Night Is Taking Sides // Twelve

After downing half of the bottle of whiskey, I finally felt the alcohol start to hit me, and I knew Taylor could feel it too. As we lay sprawled out on the floor of my bedroom, I felt Taylor's arm sneak around my waist, making me giggle. 

"Please tell my why you're pushing me away," Taylor slurred, kissing my stomach.
"Mickey." was all I said as tears welled up in my eyes. 
"He was my best friend," Taylor said rubbing his face, "I spent everyday with him, you don't think I feel bad? You don't think I miss him?"
"That's not what I said..." I trailed off and stared blankly at Taylor. 
"I miss him so much. Everyday." Taylor closed his eyes and sighed. "But I know that wherever he is right now, he wants us to be happy. He's our best friend, he wouldn't want us to be miserable all the time." 
"Taylor... he was my boyfriend." I said clenching his arm, "He meant the world to me."
"Dammit Jasey! He meant so much to me too, but you know what? You mean everything to me now. And if I have to fight for you everyday, I will." Taylor announced, turning to face me and giving me a prominent stare. "Jasey Rae, I love you."

At that moment, I knew my head wasn't only spinning from the alcohol. Taylor laid there, his big blue eyes waiting for my answer. My mind couldn't decide what to say, so I merely leant over and kissed Taylor softly on the lips. My breath hitched as he kissed me back, rougher, but still so delicately. He kissed my eyes closed, and I replied quietly,

"I'm pretty fucking sure I love you too."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Maybe I'll Sleep When I am Dead || Eleven

The guilt hit me hard as I watched the Windsor skyline come into view. The past couple of days had been... too perfect, and now reality was skinking in. I had sex with my dead boyfriend's best friend. I am an awful person. I let my head sink into my hands as I let out a sigh. Taylor turned his head and looked at me quizically.

"You alright, Jasey?" he asked, grabbing for my hand, which I pulled away quickly.
"Fine." I said bluntly, as we pulled into my driveway.
"Want me to come in for a bit?" Taylor said, giving me a quick smile.
"Actually, I'm pretty tired," I said as I felt the guilt hit me harder than a 300 ton truck, "I'm just going to head to bed. I'll give you a call sometime this week."
"Um." Taylor said, rubbing his neck letting out a strained look, "Okay then. Good night."

I half smiled and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before stepping out of the car and sprinting to the door. I unlocked the front door, hands shaking, I swung it closed behind me and crashed down to the ground. I was trembling viciously as I crawled over to the liquor cabinet to pull out a bottle of whiskey that hadn't been touched in weeks.

I sat cross-legged on my living room floor, and placed the taunting bottle in front of me. I narrowed my eyes at the bottle as I took out a pen and paper and began to write.

Letter #2.

Dear Mickey,

I thought I was saved. Really. I thought that everything had settled, I had finally managed to move on. Not the case. Everytime I come back home, all I think about is you. Emotions swarm me, and it makes me sick. I feel sick with myself. I did something awful, I think. Taylor's your best  friend. He's my best friend. He's only ever been a friend to me... until recently. I hate this guilt. I know I can't ever be with Taylor without feeling like I'm somehow dissing your memory. I feel like I shouldn't be moving on. I don't want to leave you behind. I love you way too much for that. I had sex with him. Can I be any worse? I'm so sorry. I just felt like for once... maybe I could be happy. And I guess I was happy. For a few days, I was happy. But then, I got back here, and all I feel is guilt. You're dead, and I'm happy? No. That's not right. 

I love you.

I folded the letter into three parts, walked over to my bedroom and slid the letter in my desk with the other one. As soon as I collapsed on my bed, I heard a knock on the front door. I stared at the door miserably, daring it to open itself. It didn't. I groaned and went over to the door, swung it open to see Taylor leaning against the door frame, a concerned expression on his face.

"Taylor..." I started, but I couldn't finish as he pressed his lips down onto mine in a heart-stopping kiss. I felt myself cave as I crumbled into his arms and wrapped my arms around his neck. Mickey Mickey Mickey Mickey. I found the will power to pull away, and I looked down at my feet.

"You're gonna tell me what's going on." Taylor said, walking into my place, picking up the bottle of whiskey in the middle of my living room, staring at it questioningly, before shrugging and taking a huge swig and passing it to me.

It was going to be a long night.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Some One Come and Save My Life // Ten

I kicked my feet up on the dashboard and turned the radio up louder. I lowered my Spitfires baseball cap and turned to look at Taylor who winked at me and pressed his foot down harder on the gas pedal. We'd spent last night huddled up in the back seat of his car, with blankets and nothing but the summer night's air.  We talked hockey, school, and his plans after Windsor all night. Mickey got brought up, but only for a moment or two. As we sped off the exit to Yonge street in downtown Toronto,  I couldn't help but think that maybe things had turned around for me, and I wondered where Taylor could be taking me next.

Taylor parallel parked the car outside of the Hockey Hall of Fame and shot me a grin.

"No way!" I squealed and hopped out of the car, "I haven't been here since I was 8 years old!" I felt my smile grow as Taylor opened the large wooden doors for me.

We spent hours at the museum, and I stared in awe at just about everything I saw. Whether it was Gretzky's puck from his first goal, or Bobby Orr's stick from That Goal. I soaked in everything like a sponge, I read every little box of information and took my time analyzing everything. Taylor grabbed my hand tightly and led me up to the Vault, where the trophy of all trophies lay. I held breath as I entered the beautiful old bank that had been transformed into the Great Hall where Lord Stanley stood on his pedestal.

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I stared at the trophy. This was everything. I walked up and touched the side of the cup with starry eyes. Taylor came up behind me and placed a quick kiss on my cheek.

"Picture?" I heard one of the HHOF workers ask.

"For sure." Taylor responded walking over to the other side of the cup. We both leaned over a placed a quick kiss on the Cup as the flash went off.

Things are looking up,  I thought.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Just How I'm Breaking Down // Nine

We drove all morning. We sped down every major highway in Western Ontario, and found ourselves lost in the middle of no mans land. We drove and talked an laughed for nearly 7 hours before finally coming to a stop on the side of an old dirt road.

"Where are we going, Hall?" I asked for hundredth time giving me a playful shove in the arm.

"We can go anywhere. We've got our passports and a tank full of gas. It's all up to you." Taylor said grining, and reclining his seat back far enough for him to lie down.

"Well why don't you surprise me then." I said raising an eyebrow.

"Honestly," Taylor took a deep breath, "There's no where I'd rather be than with you."

I stared at him dumb-founded, and before I could even begin to speak his soft lips were crashing down on mine roughly, making my heart pound. He pulled me on top of him, never once breaking the kiss, as I tangled my fingers in his hair. He slid his lips down to my neck as I struggled to catch my breath. I took one look into his big green eyes and I just knew. I knew he was everything that was right for me right now. I knew that wherever Mickey was right now, he was glad this was happening. I knew at that precice moment, that Taylor Hall was saving me. I knew he was slowly mending my shattered heart. And I knew he'd never stop trying to lift me back up. I just knew. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. I figeted with his belt as he gave me a questioning look.

"Are you sure?" he asked taking my hands and kissing them both softly.

I nodded and pressed my lips to his once more. He peeled off his shirt, and continued to do the same to mine. He flipped himself on top of me and slid off his pants. Placing soft kisses all over me. I gasped slightly as he entered me, but my pain was quickly put to rest by the touch of his lips against mine. I closed my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, I felt my mind go to ease.

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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Which Would Completely Explain // Eight

I woke up the next morning by the sound of my blinds being drawn and the sunlight flooding my room and hitting me obnoxiously in the face. I sat up, yawned and rubbed my swollen, puffy eyes. I scoweled and looked at my window, only to see Taylor shuffeling around my room and turning on my radio.

"Get up, princess," Taylor said grinning coffee in one hand, a bag of chips and his car keys in the other. "Get up, get dressed, grab your passport, let's go."

"What the fuck, Tay?" I snapped, "What are you doing here?" I glanced at the clock, "And at 7 am!?"

"We're leaving. Now." Taylor said smiling and ripping the covers off of me.

"Oh and leaving where may I ask?" I said sleepily as Taylor tossed me a sweater and a pair of jeans.

"Oh, I dunno yet." Taylor smirked as I caught the jeans and smiled. Sure it was spontaneous. Hugely spontaneous. But he meant well, right?

I stripped down to my underwear and changed right in front of him, not bothering to go to the washroom.

I smirked as I saw him stare out of the corner of my eye. I grabbed my passport off of my desk and took his hand that he had extended towards me. He led me out my door and down to the driveway before opening the door to a red Mustang.

"Ready?" he asked me as he sat in the drivers seat and started the car.

"I guess so." I said with a faint smile on my face as he sped down the road, with no sense of direction or time.

Maybe this was just what I needed, I thought to myself as I watched Windsor slowly disappear behind me.

Maybe he's just what I need.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I'll Never Find the Words to Say || Seven

[Taylor's P.O.V]

As soon as I saw Jasey freeze when she looked into the dressing room, I knew she was going to have a hard time going out and delivering her speech. When she turned and gave me a sorry look, her cheeks glimmering from her tears, I felt my heart drop. If I was going through a hard time without Mouse, I can't even begin to understand how much she's going through. I watched as she ran out of the doors of the arena, and sighed deeply.

I felt an arm on my back, giving me a few symphathetic taps, and I turned around and saw my teammate Ryan Ellis.

"They want us out on the ice now, Hallsy," he said patting my back again.
"Okay, I'll be right out." I said as I continued to stare at the spot where Jasey had stood only moments ago.
"She'll be alright, she just needs time to process, just like everyone else." Ryan said staring at the same spot as me.

I headed into the dressing room to fetch my helmet and found myself sitting in my stall, staring at the spot next to mine where Mickey should be sitting. I kept staring. Maybe if I stared long enough, Mickey would reappear and everything would go back to the way it was. When I was Mickey's bestfriend, and I wasn't falling for his girlfriend. I stared and stared, and after a few minutes, when nothing appeared, I stood up, took a deep breath, and made my way to the ice. I'd have to deal with reality for now. And reality was that Mouse was dead, Jasey was suicidal, and I was falling in love with her, despite it all.

It was time for me to step up, and play hero. I wasn't going to let Jasey hurt for any longer, this had been going on for too long, it was time for her pain to stop. I'm going to make sure that it stops. I'm going to fix her up. I'm going to let her breathe again. I'm going to rescue her.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Some Times Living With The Uncertainties || Six

The next morning was a blur. Somehow I had managed to get dressed quickly and get down to the arena, it was the Spits first game back without Mickey, and they were putting on a tribute to him. Taylor met me by the back door of the arena, and took my arm. I tightened my grip around his arm as I took a quick look into the dressing room, looking around for Mickey sitting in his stall with his iPod plugged in, looking furiously through the list of songs, but all I saw was his stall, with all of his equipment lined up, and a lantern put in the space where he should be sitting. My breath got hitched up in my throat, and tears started to well up in my eyes. This was my first time coming back here since I had gotten the news that he has passed away, and it was unbearably painful. I rubbed my temples, and turned away from the dressing room as a few cold tears fell down my cheeks. In 15 minutes, I was supposed to be on the ice, giving a speech about Mickey, before watching his #18 banner get hung up in the arena. I took more deep breaths and tried to control myself. I had to be stronger than this, I felt so weak sometimes. I kept trying to pull myself together, and keep my tears under control, but it was too hard. Being back at the arena was too hard. I wanted to be there for the team, none of this had been easy for them either, but as a few tears rolled down my face, I grabbed my stuff, shot a sorry disappointed look at Taylor, and left the building.

I drove home silently, not bothering to turn on the radio or call the organization to let them know I wasn't able to recite my speech. When I got home I threw my keys on the counter, and took a seat down at my desk. I shuffled through my drawers before I found my City and Colour CD. I popped it in my CD player and put on Mickey and I's favorite song before taking out a pen and a piece of paper.

I awoke, only to find my lungs empty

Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing

And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be

And I'm breaking down

I think I'm breaking down

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me

Such as living with the uncertainties

That I'll never find the words to say

Which would completely explain

Just how I'm breaking down

Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead

But now its like the night is taking up sides

With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind

Could it be? This misery will suffice

I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's kill

Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill

Madness fills my heart and soul

As if the great divide could swallow me whole

Oh, how I'm breaking down

Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead

But now its like the night is taking up sides

With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind

Could it be? This misery will suffice

Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Could it be? This misery will suffice

I let the music fill my ears and I felt a pang of absence on his part. I missed him so much. I missed him singing me to sleep, and driving me to work. I missed him playing the guitar around the bonfire at our cottage, and falling asleep in his arms. I missed his scent, his smile and his calming personality. I missed every little thing about him. Every little thing that I'd never get to see again.

I picked up the pen and began to write.

Letter #1

My dearest Mouse,

I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts not having you around every day to brighten me up and make me smile. Every where I go, every thing I see reminds me of you in so many ways. They honored you tonight, and retired your jersey. I knew you were there watching, I just couldn't bring myself to stay. I know I'm not the only one who misses you like this. I can tell Taylor's going through just as much as I am right now, and I feel bad not being there for him. He's always there for me, always around to help me out like you were. He reminds me more and more of you every day... I don't know exactly how I feel about that. I guess I'm just scared. I feel like if I get into anything with him, it's like a diss to your memory. I love you, and I will always love you dead or alive. Because, when you love someone, distance doesn't matter. And I know you're up in heaven right now, and you've probably won yourself a Stanley Cup already, just like you wanted to, and you had your big debut with the Flames, you probably have a few Olympic gold medals too. I'm sure you've got everything you ever wanted. I am so proud of you. Every day doesn't get easier without you, it gets harder. Because as every day goes on, new things develop and I remember you more and more. Like I'm ever going to forget you. You are the love of my life, Mickey Renaud, and I miss you so much. I'm trying my hardest to be okay, and move on because I know that's what you want from me. Everything about my life is different without you, it's like there's an empty spot in my daily life waiting for you to come back and fill it. I dream of the day I'll see your beautiful smiling face again,

I love you to the moon and further,


I set my pen down and let myself cry over the letter, before sealing it in an envelop and setting it in my purse.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

One Day ... I Will Update This Story.

Hey all (:
Sorry this story has been so MIA lately, I've been loooooaded with work with summatives and final exams :(
But updates will be coming shortly seeing as exams are over next week.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I'm Afraid To Sleep Because Of What Haunts Me || Five

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us, to let us know they are happy."

I left in such a hurry, I didn't think of taking anything with me. No money, no car keys, nothing. I just walked and ran, and sprinted as far as my legs would carry me, tears still streaming down my cheeks. I was out of breath as I sat down on the corner of an intersection in downtown Windsor, and buried my face in my hands. My head was pounding, and my stomach kept lurching as if I was going to be sick. I managed to lift myself to my feet and found my self turning the corner, and running over to a familiar looking park. I took a seat on a park bench, took a look around the gloomy surroundings, and cried. Cried harder than I ever had. Harder than when I found out the news, harder than when I wake up missing him, crying the hardest I have ever cried in my life. And it wouldn't stop. It wasn't stopping. The tears were flowing down my cheeks like a water flood. I pulled on my hair and screamed, screamed and sobbed and cried harder, and harder. I fell off the bench and down onto my knees feeling the sting as my knees scraped against the gravel. The pain from my bleeding knee was nothing like the pain I was feeling all over me right now. My heart was taking a beating, and the tears just kept coming. There was an empty feeling in my chest as I laid down on the grass, looked up at the grey Windsor sky and wished that his face would just appear there to dry my tears.

This was our park. Where our first date was, our first kiss, our first everything. Whenever he had a bad game, we'd come here and talk. If I had a bad day at work, or if there was something bothering me, we came here. This was our safe place, our place. I hadn't been here since he died, it was too painful. Everything here reminded me of him. The tree with our names cheesily carved into it, the pond where Taylor and I had pushed him in last summer because it was our way of congratulating him on getting drafted, the picnic tables secluded in a tree-covered part of the park where our first time was, the hill that I raced him down oh-so-many times to decide who had to go get dinner, the water fountain where he first told me he loved me. It was too painful being here, but I needed to stay here. Everywhere I looked, I saw Mickey. His smiling face laughing in the rain, it was right in front of me. I turned around, tears streaming down my cheeks faster than you could imagine, expecting to see another shadow of Mickey's memory. But instead I saw his bestfriend, getting out of his car and sprinting over to me, before wrapping me in yet another tight hug that made my heart skip a few beats. He sobbed as I felt the tears start rolling down his cheeks too. Maybe I did have to let myself love him.