I had to get out of the city. After I was released from the hospital I didn't even think about going back to Windsor. I had a friend pack up my place and ship everything out to London, Ontario where I now had a small apartment. Everything was so confusing for me, it was like I was looking into a whole new world. One without Mickey, that is. I'd been going to treatment for my memory loss for a couple weeks now, and things weren't getting much better. It scared me. To think that I might never know what happened over the course of that year, what I did or felt or saw, terrified me. I had too much to deal with, and all I wanted was Mouse by my side helping me figure it out. Taylor still called me everyday. Begging to the voicemail machine to talk to me, to make sure I was okay. I never called back. I don't know why I'm blocking him out of my life, but the memories with him and Mickey were too painful, and I guess I'm trying to forget them just like I forgot everything from the past year.
Every day I tried to think back to the last thing I remember. It's summer and we're at Mickey's lake house in Kelowna. The entire team's up there, all of our friends. I'm sitting out on the dock reading a book and watching the sun set lower and lower behind the mountains every second when suddenly I feel two sets of strong arms pick me up from behind. I scream and laugh while I try and kick myself free from Mickey and Taylor's grasp, but they have a few pounds on me. They count to three as my arms wail in the air and my cries continue. On three I feel the cool water hit me everywhere, and then I wake up. In a hospital bed in Quebec City, with Taylor holding my hand tears filling his eyes. Telling me that I've lost my memory and that Mickey's dead. It doesn't feel real. I can't even remember how I felt when I first found out he died, or where I was. I dream about it though. Every night. Blur of faces and suddenly the pang of me hitting the ground in tears and someone's arms wrapping around me. Living without him isn't easy and I'd do anything to escape this reality.
I kick over a beer can in my hallway before heading to the washroom to take a long look at myself in the mirror. There were dark bags under my eyes from countless nights of losing sleep to the inevitable waves of depression. My lips were chapped and I noticed something missing in my eyes. They were dull. Blank. There was nothing there. I slipped myself a couple Xanax and crashed back down onto my couch. That was all the activity I was giving myself today.
That was it. I'd given her enough time. I can't spend another day preaching to the answering machine about how much I need to see her. That was clearly not working. Summer was almost over, if there was anytime to go and see her, and sort things out, it was now.
I grabbed my car keys off of the kitchen counter and headed round to my driveway to get into my car. London was only about two and a half hours from here, and by the end of this trip I hoped Jasey Rae would be coming right back home with me. I had no plan, only that I needed to see her. Let the rest work itself out. You don't let the people you love walk right out of your life, so I was getting her back even if it meant I had to drag her back kicking and screaming.
I banged on her door relentlessly.
"Jasey, open up." I said impatiently. No answer.
"Come on, I've broken into your place once, I can do it again." I called.
Slowly, the door crept open. I could see her dark blue eyes peek out from a crack in the door.
"Why are you here, Taylor?" She asked quietly, her voice hoarse.
"Because if there's one thing I learned from Mickey it's that we don't give up on the people we love, and I sure as hell aren't giving up on you, so let me in. Please."
When she opened up her door just enough for me to slip in, I wrapped my arms around her tightly as she cried.
"I'm scared, Taylor." She said, "I'm so scared. I have no idea what I'm doing."
"I'm gonna help you. You're gonna remember. I'm going to make sure you remember. You just have to let me." I said softly, drying her tears.