Tuesday, January 31, 2012

twenty two

One month later.

Jasey's POV

I had to get out of the city. After I was released from the hospital I didn't even think about going back to Windsor. I had a friend pack up my place and ship everything out to London, Ontario where I now had a small apartment. Everything was so confusing for me, it was like I was looking into a whole new world. One without Mickey, that is. I'd been going to treatment for my memory loss for a couple weeks now, and things weren't getting much better. It scared me. To think that I might never know what happened over the course of that year, what I did or felt or saw, terrified me. I had too much to deal with, and all I wanted was Mouse by my side helping me figure it out. Taylor still called me everyday. Begging to the voicemail machine to talk to me, to make sure I was okay. I never called back. I don't know why I'm blocking him out of my life, but the memories with him and Mickey were too painful, and I guess I'm trying to forget them just like I forgot everything from the past year. 

Every day I tried to think back to the last thing I remember. It's summer and we're at Mickey's lake house in Kelowna. The entire team's up there, all of our friends. I'm sitting out on the dock reading a book and watching the sun set lower and lower behind the mountains every second when suddenly I feel two sets of strong arms pick me up from behind. I scream and laugh while I try and kick myself free from Mickey and Taylor's grasp, but they have a few pounds on me. They count to three as my arms wail in the air and my cries continue. On three I feel the cool water hit me everywhere, and then I wake up. In a hospital bed in Quebec City, with Taylor holding my hand tears filling his eyes. Telling me that I've lost my memory and that Mickey's dead. It doesn't feel real. I can't even remember how I felt when I first found out he died, or where I was. I dream about it though. Every night. Blur of faces and suddenly the pang of me hitting the ground in tears and someone's arms wrapping around me. Living without him isn't easy and I'd do anything to escape this reality.

I kick over a beer can in my hallway before heading to the washroom to take a long look at myself in the mirror. There were dark bags under my eyes from countless nights of losing sleep to the inevitable waves of depression. My lips were chapped and I noticed something missing in my eyes. They were dull. Blank. There was nothing there. I slipped myself a couple Xanax and crashed back down onto my couch. That was all the activity I was giving myself today. 

Taylor's POV

That was it. I'd given her enough time. I can't spend another day preaching to the answering machine about how much I need to see her. That was clearly not working. Summer was almost over, if there was anytime to go and see her, and sort things out, it was now.

I grabbed my car keys off of the kitchen counter and headed round to my driveway to get into my car. London was only about two and a half hours from here, and by the end of this trip I hoped Jasey Rae would be coming right back home with me. I had no plan, only that I needed to see her. Let the rest work itself out. You don't let the people you love walk right out of your life, so I was getting her back even if it meant I had to drag her back kicking and screaming. 

I banged on her door relentlessly.

"Jasey, open up." I said impatiently. No answer.
"Come on, I've broken into your place once, I can do it again." I called.

Slowly, the door crept open. I could see her dark blue eyes peek out from a crack in the door. 

"Why are you here, Taylor?" She asked quietly, her voice hoarse.

"Because if there's one thing I learned from Mickey it's that we don't give up on the people we love, and I sure as hell aren't giving up on you, so let me in. Please." 

When she opened up her door just enough for me to slip in, I wrapped my arms around her tightly as she cried.

"I'm scared, Taylor." She said, "I'm so scared. I have no idea what I'm doing."

"I'm gonna help you. You're gonna remember. I'm going to make sure you remember. You just have to let me." I said softly, drying her tears.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Someone come and save my life - Twenty One

[Jasey's POV]

I woke up that night in a mess of sweat and tears. Vivid dreams kept coming back to me, they seemed like distant memories though I had no recollection of any of it. Sitting in the Spitfire's dressing room. Hearing the news that Mickey was gone. Falling onto the ground in a heap of tears. Taylor falling next to me. It was a blur. But a vivid blur.

I clenched onto my bed, I felt sick. I couldn't keep a grasp onto what was real and what wasn't. What seemed like yesterday was actually over a year and half ago. Now matter how hard I tried to think back, or forward for that matter, nothing would come to me. I was terrified. I couldn't even look at Taylor, he looked so sad, like a part of him was gone, and a part of me was missing too, and it wasn't just Mickey, it was something else, something I couldn't remember.

[Taylor's POV]

How could I even begin to explain to her everything that had happened over the past year? It was impossible, we had gone through too much.

I laced up my skates and pulled my jersey over my head before stepping onto the ice for the Memorial Cup final. How could I focus on this game when there was so much more I had to worry about? When the was Jasey to worry about.

The entire game was a daze, I was playing my normal game, but my mind was somewhere else, it was a daze. Before I knew it I had the Memorial Cup in my hand and the boys were pulling out the Renaud jersey to celebrate in the picture. Flashes were going off everywhere, but I could only focus on one thing. Making sure everything got set back to the way it was a month ago, Jasey smiling again, my hand wrapped tightly around hers.

I wasn't going to stop. Ever.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Oh, how I'm breaking down - Twenty

After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor finally came and spoke to me.

"She has long term amnesia. She doesn't remember anything dating up to about a year and a half ago, she took a serious bump to the head on that plane. She's lucky to be alive." The doctor said as he looked over his test results, "Now, her memory may clear up a bit after she's back on her feet, but I wouldn't count on it."

"Thank you, sir." I said nodding my head slightly. "Can I go see her? There's a few things I need to explain to her."

"Go ahead" the doctor said and nodded in the direction of her room.

I slid the glass door open quietly, and saw Jasey lying down with tears in her eyes, terrified.

"Taylor, thank god you're here!" She said jumping into my arms, punchering a hole in my heart. "Please, please tell me what's going on."

"You have amnesia, Rae" I say, as tears begin to fall from my eyes, "the doctor said it dates back a year and a half ago"

She looked immensly confused, and I could tell a part of her was breaking.

"Theres something really important I need to tell you Jasey." I said, grabbing her hand and holding onto it my my dear life.

She was almost too shocked to speak, but she managed to quietly utter out: "What is it?" in a voice barely above a whisper.

"About a year ago.." I paused and squeezed her hand even tighter, "Mickey.. we he.." I couldn't say it. I couldn't make her hurt all over again.

"He what Taylor?!" She said, her breath getting faster and faster as her eyes welled up with more tears. I couldn't do this to her. "Taylor!"

"He had a heart attack."

Her eyes widened and now both of us were in full on tears. She leaned her head on my shoulder as loud screams and cries escaped her delicate mouth. All I could do was cry back and rub circles on her palms. I felt completely and utterly useless, and the girl I loved was shot straight back into her depression.
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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

As if the great divide could swallow me whole - Nineteen

[Jasey's P.O.V]

I woke up to the blur of fluorescent hospital lights shining strongly onto my face, making my head throb awfully. My arm was attached to an IV and I had oxygen tubes attached to my nostril. I put my hand to my cheek and felt a giant scrape that surprised me and made me jump a little in my bed.

How the fuck did I end up here? And where was here? I tried to think back, but it was like a black hole was imprinted into my memory. All I wanted was to see Mickey, to hug him and let him know that I was okay. He must be so worried about me.

As I straightened myself up in my hospital bed, I saw Taylor run through the doors with a nurse right behind him with a hesitant and annoyed look on her face.

"Fuck," he said as he looked at me before grabbing my hand a little too affectionately, making a frown appear on my face, "Thank God you're okay."

"Taylor what happened? Where's Mickey?" I asked, completely lost and almost scared.

Shock came accross Taylor's face and he looked crestfallen. I didn't understand, I looked back and forth from him and the nurse frantically trying to piece together what couldve happened to me.

[Taylor's P.O.V]

As soon as she asked me where Mickey was it hit me like a bus. She didn't remember anything. The past year was wiped from her memory. I looked at the nurse in panic, told Jasey I would be right back, and let go of her hand, leaving her there with the most lost expression on her face.

"Have you done tests on her yet?" I asked the nurse while we were out in the hallway.

"Not yet, Mr. Hall." The nurse looked dismayed, "She seems to just have woken up from her coma, we'll start running tests as soon as possible."

"I think she may have lost her memory." I said shortly, a huge sigh escaping my lips as I felt them tremble. She can't go through all this with Mickey again. She was just starting to get back up on her feet.

"Oh dear." The nurse looked around uncomfortably, "I'll get a doctor to check her out immediately, for now please take a seat in the waiting room, we'll let you know as soon as we have the results.

Tears were starting to prominently form in my eyes as I looked back through the glass door at the love of my life looking hopeless and confused in her hospital bed, all hooked up to these machines like some sort of science experiment.

She didn't remember. She didn't remember everything I had helped her through, how happy we were for a little while, me telling her I love her. None of it. All that we fought through together. The thing that crushed me the most was she didn't remember how much I cared.

I felt my heart shattering as I turned away from the room and headed to the waiting room where I would sit and wait for hours until news finally came.
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Friday, August 20, 2010

Madness Fills my Heart and Soul - Eighteen

{Taylor's P.O.V}

As the cab pulls up to l'Hopitale Generale de les Champs, I feel my throat tighten. The long ride to the hospital was agonizing, the kinds of thoughts that were running through my mind were slowly killing me. If she was dead... I couldn't even begin to think. Jasey Rae was everything important to me right now, and if I had to give up my hockey career and the Memorial Cup to make sure she was okay, I would. In a heartbeat. I thanked the cabbie sincerely, and threw him just over 500 dollars. I didn't really have the money right now, but it didn't matter.

I basically sprinted to the Emergency Room, and by the time I was at the front desk, I was out of breath.

"Hi," I said, breathlessly.
"How can I help you today," the receptionist says, peering over her glasses.
"My name's Taylor Hall. I'm looking for Jasey Rae Carmichael? She was a part of the plane crash that happened around here earlier."
"Let me just make a call to the trauma sector, they'll let me know. One minute please." She said, nodding towards the waiting area.

I plopped myself down on one of the chairs and sat silently for what felt like hours before a doctor came.

"Taylor Hall?" They asked, standing in front of me as I got up to my feet.
"Yeah, that's me." I responded, starting to get more and more nervous. I just wanted her to be okay.
"Please follow me." the doctor said, and I followed her through two bog plastic doors marked "Trauma" and into an elevator up to the third floor.
"She's right in there." the doctor said, half smiling.

I walked in and saw Jasey, asleep, all hooked up to different IVs looking paler and weaker than ever.

I rushed to her side, and grabbed her hand so tightly that it woke her up and tears began flowing down my cheeks.

"Jasey." I said, kissing her hand and squeezing it tighter.

"Taylor..." she said weakly, still half asleep. "What happened? Where's Mickey?"

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Constantly Changing From Calm to Hell - Seventeen

{Taylor's P.O.V}

It had been almost two hours since I had landed, and Jasey was still no where to be seen. I paced back and forth through baggage claim trying to take my mind off of the thousands of awful thoughts that were swarming my mind. I'm sure the flight was just delayed or something. I tried to convince myself, sitting down on a bench and staring at my watch for the 60th time in the past three minutes.

"Hey man, bus is leaving for the hotel now, you coming with?" My teammate Kenny Ryan said, patting me on the shoulder.

"Nah, you guys go without me, tell Coach I'll take a cab, alright?" I said, getting up. "I'm gonna head over to Services and see if they have any news on Jasey's flight."

"Kay, take it easy buddy, I'm sure she's fine." Kenny says, half smiling at me then taking off.

I approach the counter, and grab the attention of a 50-something looking woman who's name tag reads Carol.

"What can I do for you sweetheart?" She says, and gives me a smile.
"Hi, I just wanted to inquire about a flight?" I say, letting out another sigh, "My girlfriends on it, and it was supposed to arrive over two hours ago, there's no information on the board."
"Would that possibly be the flight coming in from Windsor?" She suddenly looked concerned, making my heart skip a few beats.
"Yes.." I say slowly, bracing myself.
"I'm sorry, that flight had to make an emergency landing about half an hour away from Quebec City. Awful turbulence." She shook her head.
"Is anyone hurt?!" I panicked, thinking of Jasey somewhere in a hospital alone.
"The report said there had been some severe injuries, but nothing else has been released." She smiled weakly at me, slipping me a piece of paper. "Here's the address of the hospital everybody's at."
"Thank you so much," I say, my voice quivering.

I bolt from the desk and to where all the taxi's were lined up outside. I hopped into the backseat of the first one I saw, throwing my suitcase and hockey bag next to me.

"I need to go to 112 rue de les Champs. It's the General Hospital in Quebec City." I say quickly.
"Quebec City?! That's at least a two hour drive from here. I'm sorry, can't take you there." The cabbie says, shrugging.

"Look, sir, my girlfriend was just in a plane crash, and all I really need to know is that she's okay. She needs to be okay. I've already lost one person important to me this year, I rather not lose another one, so can you please just go? I triple whatever the fare is." I manage to spit out all in one breath.

"Ahh, I guess I can make an exception. For love right?" The cabbie says as he begins to pull out of the airport, and on to the highway.

For love... It was going to be a fucking long cab ride. 

Monday, July 5, 2010

Like the Sea - Sixteen

I was still shaky as we headed to the front desk to check in for our flight. As the lady ran our information through the computer, I took a minute to examine the ring. It wasn't anything too elaborate, seeing as Mickey didn't have much money yet. It was one sparkling diamond, set on top of a silver band. It was simple. It was gorgeous. Taylor squeezed my hand as the stewardess typed furiously on the computer, with  a look of frustration planted on her face.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking up at us apologetically, "There seems to have been an error in our system. Ms. Carmichael, I'm going to have to put you on a later flight."

"There's no way you can fit us both on one flight?" Taylor asked, disappointed.

"No, I'm sorry, both flights are now booked." She said as she printed off our tickets. "There's only an hour delay in between the flights, so you shouldn't be arriving in Rimouski much later than Mr. Hall."

"It's okay." I said, smiling reassuringly to Taylor.

"Will you be alright?" Taylor asked, clearly concerned.

"I'll be fine!" I laughed, "I've been on a plane before."

"Okay." Taylor said kissing the top of my head, still obviously worried. "I'll see you when you land, alright?"

"Of course." I say, standing up on my tippy-toes to give Taylor a quick kiss.

"Have a safe flight, okay?" Taylor said, kissing me again.

"Thanks," I blush, "You too."

As Taylor headed to his gate to board his plane, I found a seat at the bar and ordered a few drinks. Before I knew it, my flight was being announced, and I was told to go board the plane. I found my seat in the plane, and drifted off to sleep, only to be awaken an hour later, by intense shaking. The seat-belt sign had flashed on, and the pilot was making an announcement.

"We are going to be hitting some extreme turbulence, everybody remain calm, and stay in your seats."

I gripped tightly onto my arm rest, and felt the plane lunge forwards. My stomach was doing somersaults, and my legs were trembling. Was this it? Was this plane going to crash, and that would be the end of me? The overhead compartments were rattling, and the plane lights kept flickering on and off. I heard a droning sound, and suddenly all the plane lights were off, and the emergency lights have been turned on. I closed my eyes and prayed that I would be okay. I held on tighter to the arm rests, and let out a cry as I felt the plane drop again. The compartments were now open, and luggage was falling all over the place. I screamed as I saw something fall out of the compartment, I felt it hit my head hard, making it throb then everything went black.